Lunch-time Liquids

I know what you’re about to ask: "What do you drink with your revolutionary meals? Truly something revolutionary, I presume." Your presumption is about to come to to fruition in a big way, puns to the wall motherfucker. Water is what's usually in my aluminum bottle, but I like to step up my liquids to match the bouquet of a one-of-a-kind lunch. That’s why I have an accomplice in my morally justified crimes against shitty food: The Ninja.

The Ninja is a brilliant piece of kitchen equipment that can take nearly any food item and fuck it up beyond recognition. Whereas other blending devices have rotary blades at the bottom that can get clogged before mutilating everything inside, the Ninja utilizes a patented Pillar of Death that can bring swift, irrevocable justice to nearly anything you put in it. It has changed smoothie-making in my life for good, from the ingredients used to the time it takes to clean and all that shit. The pre-Ninja me put together my drinks with the following: yogurt, fruit, milk, maybe protein powder when I was pre-swoll, and maybe sugar when I was pre-fucking-enlightened. Now, however, I know that smoothies only need two ingredients: delicious fruit and a kitchen appliance with murderous intent. It doesn’t matter if these wild berries are at zero fucking Kelvin; there is no stopping a Ninja when something gets in range of its spinning apocalypse.