FREE GRAMMAR LESSON

I’m getting the feeling you think I’m one dimensional, like I’m only a mind-blowing chef genius. The truth is I have a fucking ton of skills. I’ll give you an example. Look up at the night sky. See all those stars? Me too. That’s one of my skills. Now I’d like to talk about another: the English language. You might’ve seen me use me use a certain piece of punctuation that I’d like to explain: “;”. I’m sorry, that looks confusing as fuck; I mean the semicolon. Hey, look at that; I just used one. The semicolon is easy to use and looks awesome; that’s why it’s in one of my sentences whenever possible. That last independent clause, however, is a lie; it can be used between any two complete sentences! That means that I would just have around half the amount of sentences that currently appear in this blog; they would just be around twice as long. However, you should only use it between two complete sentences; you might tempted to use it with an independent clause and dependant clause (like “I have a dog; a brown dog”) but that’s fucking wrong (and stop trying to sound like James Bond you dick). Don’t ever do that; it’s serious enough that I almost put a period at the end of that first clause, which would have broken my streak of semicoloned sentences (current count: 7). That’s a colon’s territory; if I see you use a semicolon like that I will pull it out of the internet shove it into your real colon. I’ve once heard that semicolons are like champagne glasses, and that they should only be used on special occasions; this has little bearing on someone whose birthday is everyday like me. So, for the love of God, indulge in the semi-joys of life; use semicolons for a long, happy existence.