Don't leave the frog hangin.
The SUPER BOWL consists of one football team playing against another football team in the game of stop-start rugby with padding. (Check my etymology, bitches.) This year's contest featured the New England Patriots and New York Giants, who played against each four years ago and made plebeians presume the game would be boring as a result. Well you all know what happens when you presume. (You're eligible to write Cracked articles. Now excuse me while I distract myself from writing by reading 6 Counterintuitive Tricks to Beating Popular Game Shows). I'll be honest, though: the Giants get the rap for being boring. Up until the championship game, ESPN campaigned to paint Eli Manning as a fuddy-duddy country bumpkin who pouts on the field and wins by accident. I mean, it's partly true, but look at who he has to learn from!
The Giants are a good team that had a compelling season though, with their last three playoff games being rematches of high-profile regular-season games, two of those mid-season match-ups being won on a team's final possession. Plus, their receivers are awesome. While their receiving corps may no longer contain players that inspire Stevie Johnson interpretive touchdown dances or verbose Chris Berman nicknames (though I prefer Amani "IT'S NOT A" Toomer), Hakeem Nicks, Victor Cruz and Mario Manningham can put on a show. And at the end of the day, Eli proved he is ultra-clutch, capped off by a pass to Manningham in double coverage down the sideline similar to you taking three steps back and throwing a strawberry seed into this O.
As for the Patriots, it's easy to see casual fans complaining that they're back again (again again again), but take a quick visit to my post on Bill Belichick and eliminate the following from my list of recent Pats attributes: great defenses, a receiver pretending he's a cornerback, a linebacker pretending he's a reciever, Randy Moss, and Tom Brady with Bieber hair (now with photo). That leaves you with things like a shitty wide receivers, tight ends pretending they're Randy Mosses, and the Oakland Raiders' AARP player acquisition strategy. That they contended with one of the worst defenses in the league is Belichick's biggest coup since convincing two NFL commissioners his hoodie came out of the box looking like that.
But even though they didn't have Tom Brady with Bieber hair, they had him playing his most driven football since the 18-straight wins prior to his previous Super Bowl loss to the Giants. Watching him tear through the AFC playoff bracket was fun, because it's fun to watch future Hall of Fame inductees doing that thing for which they're going to the Hall of Fame. And when it was Super Rematch time, they weren't out of the game at all; Brady was poised to make a signature comeback until his receivers reared their shittiness and committed game-killing drops on the final drive.That led semi-injured tight end Rob Gronkowski to mysteriously go dance-off after the loss (note: watch 10 seconds of that video and you get the gist of it), changing the actor likely to play him in the movie from Dolph Lundgren to the Technoviking.(note: same time rule applies). His and the other Pats' recievers' meltdown led Gisele Bundchen to criticize their play, but hey Gisele, how about YOU try to be Brady's tight end. Or something like that.
In the end, the Super Bowl was pretty Super Bowl, falling just short of the excitement of recent contests' game-winning drives (the previous Pats-Giants game included). In short, it gets a full plate of BBPB&J's.
I TOLD you I was going to make them! When do I lie to you?
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