Decision time

In every man's life there are decisions to be made, decisions that dwindle the doer's duality to destitution or debonairness. Sorry, just trying to rank on Google for the letter D. My point is, however, I was faced with a fork that bifurcated my fucking fortunes to fate. (Note: that time was just a coincidence. Fuck F.(Haha, they're never know!)) What happened? I ran out of jelly. I had strawberries at the ready, however, given my penchant for strawberry-infused PB&J, which is of course already the stuff of legeniuses (legendary geniuses, not French ones). So, no jelly, no problem, huh? Enter fucking Ninja.

Strawberries post-Sarlacc pit

Of course, the Ninja was more than ready to dice those bitches harder than me at a craps table. (Note: sentence needs work)

Nigh-on sandwiched peanut butter and strawberries

Voilà. That's a peanut butter and strawberry, or PBS. And I'll be damned if Congress pulls its funding too. (Sorry Big Bird.) Yet despite the amazing looking combination that radiated so much damn light that it washed the damn picture out, the result was not the nigh-on best. Not even nigh-on close. Strawberries kind of have a watery taste when not drowning in high fructose corn syrup, so they didn't go very far in being the sweet counterbalance to the peanut butter's dry rock bed. In reverse hindsight, I'll probably include blueberries to give it some more flavor and spreadability. But oh well. Hey, Wayne Gretzky had to settle for an assist once in a while.

So because that shit sucked, I decided to dig through the cabinet and see what could possibly go better with peanut butter and bread (see: anything). And what did I find, right back there with the Petite Cut Garlic and Olive Oil Diced Tomatoes? Fucking homemade jelly, that's what. Shit yeah.

Peanut butter and jalapeño (Fuck yeah ñ)

But what's that label say, my unophthalmologically optimized friends? (Also, fuck that word. There's enough silent l's and h's to spell at least “lh”). MERRY CHRISTMAS JALAPEÑO PEPPER JELLY. Iit was right to wish the jelly Merry Christmas; that shit deserves to be treated with respect. I'm still trying to figure out how it was even jarred; I'm sure it fought encapsulation like some kind of meth flubber. However adventurously that went down, it actually went down my throat rather easily. Not the spiciest thing ever ingested by this salty smartass.