Life Goals

As we all know, a platitude is a geological structure that appears in many popular phrases, which may have once been a source of inspiration, but have since plateaued, doing little to inspire a rise out of anyone, and now just suck. This is now true of the "Bucket List." You're familiar with the idea of a Bucket List. I'm not trying to endow you with the trait through use of the second person; you just fucking are. It's everywhere, and Benjamin Frankly, I'm sick of it. "Oh, I'm gonna climb some mountains and hang-glide off them and fly to the sea where I'll land on a narwhal and ride it to Atlantis," you say. You and everyone else, jerk. Not everyone is Vladmir Putin. Not only are these lists stupid and predictable, but they set unreasonable goals for a life that can be better spent appreciating the experiences that only you have the divine probability to encounter for only yourself and no one else ever. Idiot. That's why I more effectively spend time creating a list of things that I never want to experience ever, thus keeping me aware of situations that could find me waking up in a living shit-ado (shit tornado). I call it my FUCK IT List.

1. Leaving my house (Overrated)
2. Brushing my teeth (Don't eat)
3. Disposing precious bodily fluids (Obvious)
4. Cutting my hair (Better to not see you with)
5. Reading (I jus dont editt dhu)
6. Blogging (I just call it fucking rocking the world)
7. Sitting up (Not just the exercise)
8. Chinning up (Bear with me, I'm trying to work the gerunds)
9. Getting rid of the poll results at the top of the page (Mostly I don't know how)
10. Ending lists with the tenth item (Fuck round numbers)
11. Paying attention to people who call 5 a round number (Fuck 'em)
12. Thinking of anything besides that time when I heard someone say that a basketball player with the number 0 on his jersey had an "odd number," to which I retorted "zero isn't an odd number" (Best moment of my life)
13. Really, it was (Retorted the shit out of that comment)
14. Great, I ruined my headword streak (Shit)
15. Time to leave before anyone notices (Good idea)